Gavin & Mikey turned 10 and 8 this week. Those seem like big numbers. And then we opened up the laptop and purused some old pictures. And shots like this…

made me want to rewind. I get this overwhelming feeling of their littleness and cuteness and I wonder, did I hold them and hug them enough, did I give them enough lollipops? Did I realize when they looked like this, that they looked like this? I can only imagine that this gets more pronounced over the years.

I enjoy where they are now and all the exciting activities and independance we are experiencing. I think there is a component of a mothering repetoire of being able to enjoy the moment and truly be present that I hadn’t developed when these pictures were taken. I look at the photos and I wonder “did I get it?” Because I get it now. It all seems to be going a little too fast lately, and I think it’s Seany’s fault. Because 10 minutes ago he looked like this…

and now he looks like this.

I was eager for the other boys to grow quickly and develop new skills. Maybe I was a little too eager. Now that I know that feeling of wanting to rewind, all I want for Seany is for him to freeze, stop, and wait right there! I recognize that his his arms have a delicious layer of fat on them that will fade away sometime in the near future. I realize that when he runs it really does sound like “pitter patter”. I know that words like “yight” instead of “light” will right themselves more quickly than I would like this time.

Sean is a messenger. His message is to pay attention, listen carefully and slow down. Having a toddler has certainly slowed us down. What I could have seen as an inconvenience years ago, is just a present circumstance, worthy of appreciation. We’ll just walk a little slower and stop a little more often. In a few years, I will look back at the pictures I am taking now. I hope they invoke a little less “rewind” and litte more “glad I was there” because of where I am on my “mothering journey”.

Now boyz…wait up!

2 thoughts on “Rewind

  1. H. Wayne

    Made me think of that Sandler movie Click… fast forwarding through his life. Unfortunately, we don’t live in the movies; we won’t get it all back at the end of 2 hours.

    I can empathize as I did that with ERH– wanted her to grow up quickly, but now I look at her and think the next time I blink I’ll open my eyes and I’ll be wearing an uncomfortable Tuxedo dancing with her at her wedding (and don’t worry, she assumes you’ll be dancing with Gavin there, too.)

    MGH is good for slowing me down. She’s independent and inquisitive. Always wanting to do it herself, I’m always having to wait for her to catch up or be done with whatever has stolen her attention at that moment.

    Thanks for the reminder to savor and drink in each of the moments with each of the kids and not rush any of them through their short, short, short childhoods. Time travels fast enough on its own, it doesn’t need us to accelerate it.

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