Handsful

I said it right there at the kitchen counter. I just said it.

“Really Dennis! Who thought having four children was a good idea?”

Oh! Ma! God! Did I really say that?!

Just like the very young ultrasound technician who gave me the most horrified look and judgmental stares when I cried because I found out Sean was not, in fact, a girl. Get over it.

Sometimes I think unhappy thoughts. Sometimes I think downright dark thoughts. Sometimes I just wonder out loud why I had four kids. Is it really so wrong?

Today was one of those days when I had washed and dried 7 loads of laundry and there was barely a noticeable difference in the laundry room. Still so many piles.

I have a list of phone calls to make regarding medical issues and school stuff, camp decisions and working papers, appointments and bills and all manner of issues regarding….the kids. The list, printed on the cute, organizer paper labeled ‘To Call’, is a joke. Maybe a list of who I DON’T have to call would be shorter.

There is a pile of papers on my desk, leaning to one side that contains items like info on Mikey’s school trip, Gavin’s application to the vocational high school, Ethan’s prom and Special Olympics papers, library schedules and information about programs and classes. It is teetering. Like my sanity.

Can I watch a show? Where is the antibacterial cream? Have you seen an Indian Jones hat for my Lego minifigure? Is there something else, besides THIS for lunch? Unending questions. X4

It gets rough. Really rough. Sometimes it helps me to say appalling things out loud. I feel like if I say it, then I’m just not thinking it, and I can make it seem less like an elephant in the room – or in my brain. So there. I said it. I said out loud that sometimes I find it completely overwhelming that we have 4 kids.

I know enough now to know that the tide will turn. I will not get stuck with this thought. I already know, that some days (or weeks or months) get long and tiring. I know that sometimes it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is a train and I know that sometimes, it actually is the sun.

4 sons.

I have my hands full. Really, really full.

Thank God.

Clean

Clean. Cull. Swipe. Wipe. Scrub. Dust. Sweep. Buff. Polish. Shine. Purge. Disinfect. Arrange. Shine. Tidy. Mop. Scour. Stack. Pile. Collect. Organize. Brush. Cleanse. Sanitize. Fold. Fluff.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Yeah, that.

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Sunday Scenes – iphone Edition

If the day starts out with me, myself, my sneakers and I – it’s got to be good, good, good.

party1Sean, who resides in a ‘big boy’ world, very rarely gets to participate in ‘little boy’ activities. So a Lego-themed, family party for a younger cousin was really nice for him. A minifig cookie made the day truly ‘sweet’.

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You know how I hang out at the hockey rink to watch my boys play? This is the usual view. I watch. Through a fence. Just like that.

I forgot to tote my camera with me, so my iphone had to suffice.

Do what you can, with what you’ve got. All of the time.

So, So Sick

Ethan is sick. Poor guy. It sounds so simple, but it’s not. The final diagnosis is pneumonia – just like Gavin and I.

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We have a pull out couch in our kitchen – thank goodness. It has served us well during the last few weeks.

We’ve come to call Ethan ‘the ox’, because he misses so many illnesses that come through our house. It is really shocking given the circumstances that we faced the first seven years of his life.

As an infant and young child, Ethan was often critically ill with breathing troubles brought on by both reflux and a cruddy immune system. Sure, he had the ‘normal’ kid stuff – but he got things twice as bad, they lasted twice as long and he got them five times more often than other kids. He had scarlet fever – several times. I cannot count the amount of times he had Coxsackie, Fifth’s Disease, Roseola or Rotovirus.

Oh God. Rotovirus. May you NEVER.

It is hard to remember. It is hard to go back. They were very lonely days for sure. I marvel that Dennis and I so quickly developed a skill set that allowed us to do it on a near-constant basis. We planned our first ever family vacation when he was almost 7. In NJ. We lasted 4 days…before he got sick.

His current illness reminds me of that time. It also reminds me of how blessed we are that him being this sick has been few and far between in recent years. We are so fortunate that he got stronger and healthier. We know kids who did not.

He has come so far it’s remarkable.

I never forget that Ethan is loud, demanding, funny, obsessive, opinionated, silly, and requires ‘line-of-sight’ supervision.

I do often forget that he is really remarkable. Truly.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
— Albert Einstein

What I Want

I want breakfast.

I want more coffee.

I want to be my cat.

I want to be a ‘good’ mother.

I want a change of scenery.

I want to not have nightmares that I had to say goodbye – forever – to all my loved ones.

I want my energy back from this current illness.

I want Ethan to stop choking and gagging from his current illness.

I want magical, miniature fairies that desire to only do my bidding.

I want all of my laundry clean and folded.

I want an unlimited supply of dark and intense, suspenseful thrillers to keep me going on that task.

I want a crystal ball.

I want to take a very, long walk.

I want to make complicated, cut-out cookies for Easter with lots of brightly colored royal icing.

I want to crochet a mathematically perfect sphere.

I want beach weather.

I want all my favorite songs to play on Pandora.

I want today to unfold as I gratefully enjoy every moment, believing that it is just where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing at each given time.

Yeah. That.

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Sanibel Island – 2014

 

Sunday Scenes – Sick & Tired

I know sometimes I complain – about being ‘sick & tired’, but this week, I am truly sick and if you know me well, I don’t ‘do’ tired, but I am exhausted. Exhausted to the point I am avoiding the stairs in the house because they make me wheeze. It started with fevers and serious bodyaches and now I’m stuck here in some type of illness-limbo where I don’t need to be in bed, but I am not much use at all.

At least I can type.

Sunday was what? Boring and filled with an exceptional amount of effort exerted on breathing.

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His spot, his perch, his office – it’s just what he does :)

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I bought these little beauties to do some science with Sean. Now they are earning their keep. Sweet things.

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Sunday Treats

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This is what is keeping me from passing out from lack of air. :(

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Gavin stayed up all night at a ‘hackathon’. Good stuff. What he saw, heard and learned was amazing. I am glad this little geek had a great time here.

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Hess toys never fail to please in this house.

Sean knows exactly how much you love him by the amount of time you are willing to devote to board games, cards games and dice games. I know he is in need of attention, as I have been mostly in bed or on the couch for days. That does not work for my kids in the least.

Here’s to hoping the rest of week brings improvement. By improvement, I mean better oxygenation, warmth and sunshine and something fun. Anything fun. I like fun. I don’t like wheezing.

Sunday Scenes – Almost Spring

I hear it’s Spring. I am still waiting. These scenes make me grateful – it is an awesome exercise. Sunday included incidents that were less than stellar – including hauling a kicking, screaming and biting 6 year-old out of the hockey rink. But, when I review and then construct a post like this I realize that it is good. Really good. Mostly.

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The wisdom of hockey stick taping being passed down

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Pals

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And it starts…

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Father and son moment

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Brotherly Love – playing for the Fighting Ewoks

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This scene brought to you AFTER the kicking and screaming meltdown :)

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A great day for window washing

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The cat enjoyed the clean windows

“Do not let Sunday be taken from you. If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.”
~ Albert Schweitzer